Resource Library: The Business Chuckles Library

These articles will give you a smile, a chuckle, maybe even a good old belly-laugh…and that’s not a bad thing. After all, who said business had to be staid, stuffy and boring.
Fact: People who laugh tend to be happier and live longer…so why don’t you join them now?

Differences Between You (The Owner/Manager) And Your Staff

The Alternate Top 25 Inspirational Sayings

Some Thoughts To Ponder

My Career So Far . . .  

Now Consider This . . .

There’s No Need For A Fitness Program In My Company!

Some Of Life’s Lessons

Eat And Drink What You Like… Just Mind Your Language

How To Negotiate A Seemingly Impossible Outcome

The Importance Of Office Etiquette

Differences Between You (THe Owner/Manager) And Your Staff

When a staff member takes a long time, they’re slow.
When you take a long time, you’re thorough.

When a staff member doesn’t do it, they’re lazy.
When you don’t do it, you’re too busy.

When a staff member makes a mistake, they’re an idiot.
When you make a mistake, you’re only human.

When a staff member does something without being told, they’re overstepping their authority.
When you do the same thing, well, that’s initiative.

When a staff member takes a stand, they’re being bull-headed.
When you do it, you’re being firm.

When a staff member overlooks a rule of etiquette, they’re being rude.
When you skip a few rules, you’re being original.

When a staff member is out of the office, they’re wandering around.
When you’re out of the office, you’re on business.

When a staff member takes a day off sick, they’re always sick, but who knows!
When you take a day off sick, you must be very ill.

When a staff member applies for leave, they must be going for an interview.
When you take leave, it’s because you’re overworked.


The Alternate Top 25 Inspirational Sayings

Here are the Top 25 sayings people would like to see on those Office Inspirational Posters:

1. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines
2. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times
    gives you job security
3. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings - they did it by killing all those who
    opposed them.
4. We put the “k” in “kwality”.
5. If something doesn’t feel right, you’re not feeling the right thing.
6. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
7. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
8. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely
    understood the situation.
9. Plagiarism saves time.
10. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
11. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
12. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
13. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
14. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
15. We waste time, so you don’t have to.
16. Hang in there - retirement is only thirty years away!
17. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
18. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
19. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
21. Succeed in spite of management.
22. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
23. We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.
24. You pretend to work, and we’ll pretend to pay you.
25. Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.



Some Thoughts To Ponder

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it that the person who invests your money called a broker?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
So what’s the speed of dark?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?
Why do they sterilise needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Why does an “X” stand for a kiss?
Why are the copyright dates on movies and television shows written in Roman numbers?


My Career So Far . . . 

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. Then, I worked in the forest as a tree feller, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it …mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next, I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it. I tried to be a chef … figuring it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn’t have the thyme.

With that experience I got a job in a deli, but whatever way I sliced it, I just couldn’t cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory, but I just didn’t fit in. After that I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell, before I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company. But the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn’t up to it. So, then I got a job in a gymnasium, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

I found being an electrician was interesting, but the work was shocking. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.


Now Consider This . . .

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, though no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can ignore a friends limited education and never correct him/her,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of sleep tablets,

If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, or politics,

Then, you are ALMOST as good as your dog...


There’s No Need For A Fitness Program In My Company!

When an applicant asked if the company had a fitness program, the HR manager replied, “Oh, our employees don't need one. They are routinely jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, beating around the bush, running down the boss, going around in circles, dragging their feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paperwork, pulling strings, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, bending the rules, stabbing others in the back and pushing their buttons!”


Some Of Life’s Lessons

When The Shoes On The Other Foot
Before you criticise people, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you DO criticise them, you’ll be a mile away… and have their shoes!

Mathematically Challenged
There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those who can’t.

Time to Travel?
If your looks match your passport photo, you probably need a vacation.

Double Trouble
A bargain is what you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.


Eat And Drink What You Like… Just Mind Your Language

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
4. The Italians drink large amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians. British, or Canadians.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
6. Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of cabbage rolls and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!


How To Negotiate A Seemingly Impossible Outcome

Jack, a smart businessman, has a talk with his son.....

Jack: “Son, I want you to marry a girl of my choice .....
Son: "But Dad, I want to choose my own bride".
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case..."

Next Jack approaches Bill Gates

Jack: "Bill, I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to get married just yet."
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."

Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Jack: "I have a young man who I would like to recommend as a vice-president."
World Bank president: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law."
World Bank president: "Ah, in that case....."


The Importance Of Office Etiquette

A sales rep, an administration clerk and a manager are walking back to the office after lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie appears in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas driving a speedboat without a care in the world.” And she was gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.” And he too was gone.

“OK, you’re up next,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager reply, “I want those two back in the office right now.”

Moral: Always let your boss have the first say.

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